Slowing.

Phew. Things are busy! It’s fall, so really, who’s not busy? Last week was the first week back with a full 5-days and this week is the same. I’m still really enjoying teaching 6th grade language arts and I’m even getting some praise from co-workers. Feels good to be recognized! I really can’t complain about that.

In other news, I went on a date on Saturday. I’d chalk it up as two hours of my life that I’ll never get back… He did text me tonight though to say he had fun… Which was weird since I thought it was one of the more boring dates I’ve ever been on. It ended with him going inside to see people he knew at the bar and I walked mercifully to my car after two hours of sitting in glaring sun while trying to think of small-talk.

Meh. I guess, if he even asks, I’ll go out again. This time, however, I’m making a strict “drink” rule that can get me out quickly if things are feeling forced again. Sitting through that twice is just not in my future plans. I would really only give him another chance because there was nothing really wrong with him β€” it was just boring and uneventful. Maybe he was nervous?

Whining.

Why am I still single? I’m ready to scream I am so tired of having to do everything alone. I love myself, I think I’m pretty damn fantastic, and I even think I do pretty well flying solo for almost everything in my life. And yet, that absolutely doesn’t mean I want to do every single thing by myself. It’s getting SO OLD. I know I sound whiney but when does this life of solitude of mine end?

I’m not choosing to be single at this point. The men of the world seem to be forcing it on me. Well, men, man-up, grow-up, and make a move already! I’M RIGHT HERE, DAMNITT!

I feel like some of the issue is, after talking to some guys I know, that guys now want the woman to take initiative. That’s a problem for me. I will flirt but when it comes right down to it, I want to man to be the man in an old-fashioned, I-think-you’re-really-swell-can-I-take-you-out-sometime kind of way. Where are those guys? Do they still exist?

If anyone finds one, please send them my way. I’m starting to lose hope. I’m searching the Internet for a dozen or so more dogs as we speak as my back-up option for the neighborhood “crazy dog lady.”

I am… A teacher.

Today was the first day back to school that included students. Phew! I’m tired! It was a really good day I really but gosh do I have a lot of names to learn! I’m pretty sure I didn’t mention it before but I made a big jump in teaching this year β€” kindergarten to 6th grade language arts!

I’ve got a lot of curriculum to learn and lessons to plan since everything will be new for me this year but so far it’s going really well. Teachers went back last week and today was the first day with our 6th grade students. Tomorrow the 7th and 8th graders will join us and I’m sure the halls will be crazy and crowded. Middle school will be quite a change but I’m really looking forward to it.

Feeling hopeful!

I am smart.

I am smart.

I can solve problems quickly.

I work well in chaos.

I tend to be able to get people do do what needs to be done.

I lead groups of people and take control when needed pretty easily.

I passed my teacher tests, the Praxis tests, on the first try.

I read food labels and know what’s going into my body 95% of the time.

I take my health seriously so that I can hopefully stay healthy later in life. And maybe live longer.

I read books. (Though admittedly, they are sometimes trashy…)

I buy green and organic when I can.

I own dogs. (Yes, that makes me smart.)

I am left-handed. Just like the rest of the smart people of the world.

I buy stretchy jeans. (Because they for even if I overindulge a bit.)

I plan ahead.

I am paying off my credit cards.

I am brave.

I am brave.

I try new things.

I believe that change creates opportunity and embrace it whole-heartedly.

I ask my body to do things I’m not sure it can do. Like marathons and triathlons. And you know what? My body did them.

I stand up and talk I front of large groups of people with ease.

I teach.

I run in public. (Yes, this requires bravery.)

I pierced my nose. And it didn’t hurt that bad, actually.

I talk to strangers with ease and can have a conversation with just about anyone.

I am brave.

I am adventurous.

I am adventurous.

I’m in Ireland on a 12 day trip as you’re reading this post. I’m climbing rocks and old castle ruins and loving every minute of it.

I new foods whenever I can.

I go on multiple dates in one week. And they’re usually with people I met online; that’s a whole new kind of adventure.

I dye my hair crazy colors and cross my fingers that it will turn out how I hope it will.

I sing karaoke whenever I get the chance.

I pick paint colors that are bright and bold because… Why not?

I cut my hair into a pixie cut because “I have the urge” usually yearly. It always grows. πŸ™‚

I am myself unyieldingly. And finding out exactly what that means is quite an adventure in itself.

I am beautiful.

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I am beautiful.

My eyes change from a blue to a green shade that usually compliments what I’m wearing.

My hair is full-bodied and usually does nearly anything I try to get it to do.

I find a way to look good in my clothes even if I don’t always lovey body type.

I have learned to love the tiny “dent” at the tip of my nose.

My lips are full and pink.

My nails are thin and bendable but they work just fine for me.

I love that my skin is almost always clear and acne free. It was similar even as a teenager and I’m hopeful it will always start that way.

I am photogenic.

I have a great smile.

My teeth, while not as celebrity-white I wish them to be, are pretty damn white and straight. I never needed braces or a retainer.

My collarbones look fantastic in a dress or tank.

At the end of the day, I’m not always satisfied with how I look but I still know that I am beautiful in my own ways. The jiggles, the wrinkles, the stretch marks β€” they’re all a part of me. They are pieces of the journey and they all come together to tell the story of me.

I may not be perfect but I am beautiful.

I am flawed.

I worry too much.

I struggle to stay on my diet plan.

I work really hard to stay myself in the face of opposition but I don’t always make it.

I have to check the doors of my house three times to be sure they are locked at night even though I know they are.

I must have the radio volume on even numbers or whole/round numbers.

I always triple check to be sure both of my dogs are the inside the house and safe before I close my front door to go to work.

I have control issues at the least and possibly mild obsessive compulsive disorder… I can turn these quirks off if I need to.

I only set personal goals I know are attainable (even if they’re really hard) because I have to meet them.

I expect a text-back or you to answer the phone immediately. Always. No expect ions. I tend to start worrying otherwise.

I can’t leave dishes in the sink at bedtime.

I haven’t hadΒ a boyfriend since I was 20 and while I’ve been on countless first dates, there have only been a handful of second dates.

The fun-colored dyes in my hair fade unbelievably quickly.

I run terribly slow.

I don’t practiced drums nearly enough.

I get anxious when I don’t have at least two nights a week with no obligations.

I usually kill plants.

I traded a car in rather than buy new tires and a new air compressor.

I am fickle β€” I change my mind all the time.

I am flawed.

But you know what? At the end of the day, all of these flaws are me. And that’s pretty alright.

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I am brave.

August is going to be all about my “I am” series. I’m pledging now that I am committing the month of August to all the things that I am. Some will be good things, some will be bad, and some will be bold. (or at least that’s the point.) At the end of the day the day though, the good, the bad, and the ugly are all me. So, I’m getting real and being honest and calling it the way that I see it. This world be a better place if we all did the same. Anyone care to join me?

 

I am BRAVE.

I speak out about who I am and I try to be that person, unapologetically, every single day of my life. I chop my hair when I feel like it, have opinions that don’t always match the norm, and speak what’s on my mind exactly when it’s there. I tend to enjoy change and feel like it moves things forward even when it doesn’t feel exactly comfortable. I am who I am. I charge into new situations (like new jobs) and make the best of what there is to offer. Just last week I went on four (yuuup, four) dates and only the first one was decent. I have been “that kid” that stood up to my parents for as long as I can remember β€” not because I wanted to argue but because I felt they viewed something incorrectly and/or whatever I was arguing needed to be said.

I am brave because I stand up for what I believe is right and I live the truth every day.

I am brave because I am me and I like the person that I am.

I am brave because I am single and while I might be lonely, I am not settling for the sake of getting married or having a man to depend on.

I am brave because I am me and I am awesome.

Weigh-in Wednesday: Keep it Moving

I’m struggling to write this post because truthfully, I’m not really sure what to say about where I am with weight right now. I’m feeling frustrated with myself and a little stuck. My weight is always fluctuating day-to-day but overall, staying at a place I’m really working to learn to love. Or at least to be comfortable with. I’m doing a lot of smoothies right now and really trying to force myself into a “steady” kind of routine. Summer vacation has been tough for this β€” I have a few too many opportunities for bad choices and down time.

I’m doing okay. This week, I have really worked to think, “do I want this or need this? And if I eat it, will I regret it later?” before I bite into anything. Sometimes my answers are truthful and sometimes not; I guess that is life. But I have been doing better and when I stepped on the scale this morning, it was exactly the same as it was a week ago and with the exception of a few days here and there, it was exactly the same as it has been for most of the last 6 months. So, I guess this is maintenance for me. I guess this is my life.

So, if that is the case, when does the struggle lessen up? When do I learn to just be here the way I want to instead of getting nervous and stressed that I’m going to wake up one day and be too far gone on the scale to come back from? My very biggest fear is that I will wake up one day and this body dysmorphia that I suffer from will be completely opposite and I’ll realize I’ve gotten fat again and not have noticed along the way.

I wasn’t lying a few weeks ago when I said I was learning to be happy with where I am β€” that is a fact. However, knowing and feeling that makes me nervous that I might learn to be happy with whatever weight I find myself at and while that is a good thing for my brain, it’s a bad thing for my health and my overall well-being. I don’t want to be fat again β€” I hid myself then and I know I wasn’t the person I wanted to be. I like this thinner version I me and I think this body gives me the confidence to shine. It allows me to push myself into new things and get outside of my comfort zone. I don’t want to wake up and realize I let things go too far. I don’t want to stop shining.

And luckily, for now, I seem to be doing pretty well at keeping that fear and it’s realization away. I’m just afraid I will mess up and things will spiral quickly out of control. I know I need to let my body recover from all the crazy diets I have done in the last few years since eDiets to keep the scale numbers low. I know all of those weird diets are the reason I am having issues with my metabolism now β€” it’s used to extremes. But since I refuse to continue with the extremes, so I will have to be patient with myself and learn to trust a little more.

So, here’s to keeping it moving β€” I hope I can earn and keep my own trust.